I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
