God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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