Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
