I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
