Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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