What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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