So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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