I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
