I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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