Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
