After last night, I could never be a politician.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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