you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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