Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
