OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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