WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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