It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
