I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
