someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh god the rape fog is back!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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