Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
