He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize