Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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