You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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