Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
