Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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