White coat. Heels.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
