In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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