I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
