I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
