is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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