Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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