My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize