One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
