Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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