I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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