I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
