Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
