Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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