I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize