In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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