Your dad touched me again.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we made out on top of his cat.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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