my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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