So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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