I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
