He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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