before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
