Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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