he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
