I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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