I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
