Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
