I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
