Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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