I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize