My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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