i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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