Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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