This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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