Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
this hospital has no fireball
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
